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«
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September 10, 2013, 12:11:56 AM »
VC
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English - as it is meant to be.
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Not at all connected with the hobby, but I just HAD to share this. If you can satisfactorily cruise through this piece, you will curse yourself if you ever again use abbreviated / sms language in your posts here or anywhere else.
It is not easy, however, I urge you to go through with it. Definitions/ Pronunciations are available here:
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/
The Chaos by Gerard Nolst Trenité
This is a classic English poem containing about 800 of the worst irregularities in English spelling and pronunciation.
Gerard Nolst Trenité - The Chaos (1922)
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say-said, pay-paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
Missiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
From "desire": desirable-admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
Peter, petrol and patrol?
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward,
Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Is your r correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia.
Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
Buoyant, minute, but minute.
Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
Would it tally with my rhyme
If I mentioned paradigm?
Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
Rabies, but lullabies.
Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
You'll envelop lists, I hope,
In a linen envelope.
Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
Does not sound like Czech but ache.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed but vowed.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice,
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,
Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",
But it is not hard to tell
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the a of drachm and hammer.
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, but desert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
Cow, but Cowper, some and home.
"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor",
Making, it is sad but true,
In bravado, much ado.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.
Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Valentine and magazine.
And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove,
Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.
Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.
Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint,
Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)
Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,
Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
Rhyming with the pronoun yours;
Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny rhymes to unicorn,
Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.
No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
No. Yet Froude compared with proud
Is no better than McLeod.
But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme.
Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
But you're not supposed to say
Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.
Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
When for Portsmouth I had booked!
Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
Episodes, antipodes,
Acquiesce, and obsequies.
Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,
Rather say in accents pure:
Nature, stature and mature.
Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
Wan, sedan and artisan.
The th will surely trouble you
More than r, ch or w.
Say then these phonetic gems:
Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.
Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em-
Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
Lighten your anxiety.
The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight-you see it;
With and forthwith, one has voice,
One has not, you make your choice.
Shoes, goes, does *. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,
Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry fury, bury,
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
Puisne, truism, use, to use?
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
Put, nut, granite, and unite.
Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.
Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
Bona fide, alibi
Gyrate, dowry and awry.
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Rally with ally; yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess-it is not safe,
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.
Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
Face, but preface, then grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
Do not rhyme with here but heir.
Mind the o of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
With the sound of saw and sauce;
Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.
Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
Respite, spite, consent, resent.
Liable, but Parliament.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
A of valour, vapid vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
I of antichrist and grist,
Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
Polish, Polish, poll and poll.
Pronunciation-think of Psyche!-
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
Won't it make you lose your wits
Writing groats and saying "grits"?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington, and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??
Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!
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«
Reply #1 on:
September 10, 2013, 01:27:32 AM »
K K Iyer
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Anwar sir,
Surprised you haven't removed this post.
Pl Don't.
Even though it has nothing to do with this forum
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«
Reply #2 on:
September 10, 2013, 06:41:17 AM »
v2 eagle
AK
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Sorry VC sir, cannot get through more than half of it, loss of orientation in lines.
The guy who wrote it should be a genius
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«
Reply #3 on:
September 10, 2013, 08:17:08 AM »
iamahuman
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Same here. Made it through half of it with no mistakes. After that, I just gave up.
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«
Reply #4 on:
September 10, 2013, 09:04:45 AM »
sanjayrai55
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Ingenuous. Refer the poet to one Mr. Charles Dodgson:
T'was brillig and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogoves
And the Mome rats outgabe
«
Last Edit: September 10, 2013, 06:58:13 PM by sanjayrai55
»
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Reply #5 on:
September 10, 2013, 10:39:14 AM »
aniket210696
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
rightfully called a "phonetic labyrinth" I made it through the whole thing!
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Reply #6 on:
September 10, 2013, 03:30:11 PM »
lastRites
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Had to share this on facebook. I hope the OP does not mind
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It is the pervading law of all things organic and inorganic,
Of all things physical and metaphysical,
Of all things human and all things super-human,
Of all true manifestations of the head,
Of the heart, of the soul,
That the life is recognizable in its expression,
That form ever follows function. This is the law.
«
Reply #7 on:
September 10, 2013, 03:51:17 PM »
VC
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
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September 10, 2013, 05:16:30 PM »
PankajC
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
NAh..... did not have the patience to go through the entire text. Gave it up after a few lines. I did not understand where this was going as my command over the language is poor so probably did not comprehend the intent.
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September 10, 2013, 07:01:07 PM »
sanjayrai55
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
"beware the Jabberwock my son, with eyes of flaming red"
English - as it is meant to be.
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Reply #10 on:
September 10, 2013, 07:01:36 PM »
sanjayrai55
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Nice nose art
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September 10, 2013, 09:23:20 PM »
rcpilotacro
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Sanjay sir
i heard such arts are inked other than the Nose
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Reply #12 on:
September 10, 2013, 09:25:01 PM »
sanjayrai55
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Gusty Saheb!
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Sanjay - Gravity is my enemy
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Reply #13 on:
September 25, 2013, 03:46:48 PM »
rcrcnitesh
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
It is TLTR So skipped that
Btw VC sir your english your models you yourself are TRES BIEN
If i spelled it wrong please correct me
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Reply #14 on:
September 25, 2013, 04:22:11 PM »
essaargee
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
VC Sahab, Hurrahhhh. I made it to the end. The 'lastest' suggestion is what I suggested my sons quite some time back while they were struggling with sp4mm3r & GATE and now, their offspring is in Oz, I am struggling now to face / understand them; so I too gave up !!!!! Lol ....
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September 25, 2013, 06:06:39 PM »
pmradu
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
VC sir if you suggest this topic in a simple sentence so i think that we should read but this is too long.
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Reply #16 on:
September 25, 2013, 07:15:32 PM »
sanjayrai55
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
pmradu: this is not meant for people who do not have the patience, time or inclination to read through. In any case, reading it is optional
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September 25, 2013, 08:32:21 PM »
K K Iyer
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Simple suggestion.
Please use capitalisation and punctuation, and line breaks where required.
This itself will improve readability.
We have some regulars who don't use any capital, commas or full stops.
Their laziness makes it difficult for readers to understand what they want to say.
No need for names as they know who they are.
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September 25, 2013, 10:02:10 PM »
girishsarwal
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
@K.K Iyer: Sir highlighting would beat the purpose of the post altogether. The post is all about the convolutions of the language, which our brain overlooks. IMO, it will just feel like another of those forwarded emails, the elegant demand of patience and perseverance lost...
UPDATE: Sorry if I misunderstood, I thought you were suggesting all caps for the words?
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Reply #19 on:
September 25, 2013, 11:28:01 PM »
VC
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Re: English - as it is meant to be.
Let this slide GS. Let it slide.
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